“We only become what we are by the radical and deep-seated refusal of that which others have made of us.” — Jean-Paul Sartre
Yamabushi Vs. Kagemusha: Advanced Kenjutsu Often Feels Like Harakiri
the world is a postmodern neo-noir samurai film,
that plays in my brain, photons and lumens, pixels and waves
projected on the semi-blank slate all around me;
*
the black circle shogun,
scoured the hills and plains,
for ninety days, with his slithery
all reaching tentacles,
he identified my position,
and informed his generals,
they organized a raid
during our tsukimi festival,
and descended like rain
as i was harvesting vegetables,
men, women and children were slain
in a horrific spectacle,
i fought in vain until the pain
became inexpressible;
*
flick of the wrist,
night sky
full of ninja stars,
make a wish, flying
disks gouge, pierce
holes in clouds,
swiss
cheese, moon beams
shoot back
through cracks, quick draw
thrust – thrust
slash;
*
i fled, ran at terrific speeds
into the wilderness,
away from horrific screams,
and into the forest of bewilderment,
i climbed a mountain slope
the horsemen would find insurmountable,
to escape the fleet
i scaled to the peak of what’s understandable;
*
the weather was treacherous,
i escaped the regiment
but now had to contend with the elements,
wind hissed
as i ascended the precipice,
white snow danced
with enchanting eloquence,
i shivered, i blithered
“tengu please deliver me
from this blizzard”
i heard a whisper,
“turn left and go thither”,
in the side of the mountain
i found a fissure;
*
the world is a postmodern neo-noir samurai film,
that plays in my brain, photons and lumens, pixels and waves
projected on the semi-blank slate all around me;
*
i entered the cave, thanked the “lighter of flames”,
for lighting the way, and prayed for clarity,
why every ninety days, do i go from merrily, merrily,
to smash bang, absolutely terribly?
“am i a warrior on the path with a heart
or am i a fucking parody?”
*
i don’t need the faith to believe,
spare me the sermon,
i need knowledge that is solid,
i need facts that are certain;
*
i recapitulate my life;
the good, the bad and the unsightly,
and see that the evil shogun
and his depraved henchmen
are always right behind me,
because they live
deep inside me;
*
projections on semi-blank slate,
… photons and lumens,
pixels and waves;
*
all these petty tyrants are
aspects of my reflection,
unacknowledged self-hate
comes back as persecution
and oppression,
a lifetime of skirmishes –
an act of self-deception,
legions of soldiers
hidden in psychic tension,
yes, there really are tyrants,
we still need insurrection,
but now i see
half the battle is dealing with
my own anxiety and depression;
*
thank you tengu –
lighter of flames
but if the bad is a reflection
then the good is the same,
i have to remove the light,
in order to remove the shade,
if i remove both
then no-thing remains,
i just want to live
without restraints,
i unsheathed my blade
and put it to my brain;
i used my ninjatō to cut off everything
that consumed me;
i cut off fags like a fire at kabuki
i cut off fish scale like sushi
i cut off toxic spirits like sakyamuni
i cut off joints like yubitsume
in one mighty thrust
i cut off my kagemusha
and in doing so
i cut off my yamabushi.